We only lived for the moments that made us happy,
that is why the moments that did not treat us well, killed us.
We never asked for anything, that is why when we were asked to share, we exclaimed with outrage.
We ran down hills, because the thrill of it made us believe in the small things, but going back up was not as easy, which made us curse the big things.
We never understood the love for darkness when sunsets were so beautiful, we never realised that sunsets only exists because of darkness.
We were dust in the wind, and we believed that nothing can stop us, until it rained.
We were not made for each other, but we stayed together anyway, because we thought we were defying gravity.
We were dumb in love, because we did not know the true face of love.
I hear the stories of a past which never existed.
I see the hopes of a future which already happened.
I dreamt of the light behind the rainbow.
I’m not suppose to do this, because I’ve declared this part of my problem. But it’s been bothering me and I feel it’s needed.
I’m gonna write this in one long message hoping you don’t read this.
I’ve been toning myself down. Well, I should do it because I’m an unhealthy danger to myself.
Ironic because what danger is not unhealthy.
In the beginning I felt this connection with you like, I could be more with you without having to lie and pretend.
And I suppose it’s the true spark of mutualness (not a word).
And I know I’m an attention seeker. I do not want the spotlight on me, but I’m the star of my own life and I need that attention to keep me sane.
In the past I’d do very desperate things to get the attention on me. But I have decided that’s unhealthy and just might get me killed and dumped in a ditch.
I’ve been trying to grab onto that first moment I thought, I could have you as the one, not the forever one. But the one who actually keeps my attention and makes me sane.
But I’ve drifted and I almost turned to being that old person again. But I luckily stopped myself every time because by now I should know it does not save anything as much as it drags it on and destroys it.
I’ve done this before and suppose I never said these words to the person afraid of what it might lead to.
Honestly I’m probably more afraid of them being understanding and trying to save the friendship then them saying “au revoir it has been good”.
You’ve been through alot this past year, with romantic relationships and the person that I am cannot have you trying to fit me in there, because I never will.
I’m the kind of person who lies to themselves, in the dark of night and tell those lies to others in the light of day.
I didn’t really know what to write about suspicious, but suspiciously I found inspiration.
I opened my emails and there is a new email, a story told by Elaine can’t remember her surname about living through grief.
So, before this I thought to myself, about my inevitable mind churning, unable to accept the choices I make even though they sometimes bring me less worry and more joy.
Doing the right thing always brings me pain and worry.
So I was thinking, about taking on two jobs, one for the good and the other for me. I started working out my schedule and how I would go about this whole debacle.
But you know I really have too much faith in my abilities which have proven useless.
I’m literally the laziest person I know. I am sick right now, which kind of sticks a pin in my diagnosis.
Anyway this woman has been through the death of her husband, did something I would do and facing the comeback I would and epically failing as I would have.
So she found something her dead husband left her, a note. Encouraging her beyond measure to overcome her fear and be awesome.. because the word I want to use does not seem wanted. Boisterous. Yeah I used cheat code atleast my pronunciation don’t suck.
I often think about the rain, how you can love and hate it, at the exact moment.
When I was still at school, I loved the rain, you’re a child what is there not to love about the rain.
But then you have about 4 kms to walk home and your backpack has your books in it. And you’re just completely perplexed at the urgerd to jump and twirl in the rain, and trying to shield your back pack from the rain.
Looking at the sky now, the rain is welcomed by millions. And I don’t even consider going outside and running around in it.
I guess we don’t always grow up the way we thought we would. Sometimes we just fall right out of routine.
Some people say heartbreak messes you up.
It hurts you to the core of your existence.
It rips through you with every breath you take.
And even when you feel the whole inside you closed, one word can rip it open and have you bleed red hot pain.
But me, I had the fortune of doing that all to myself.
You’ve guessed it.
The mind that holds pure imagination, is a dangerous tool.
I have loved an illusion for as long as I could remember.
And with every attempt to get him a soul and flesh on his bones, I got dissapointed with the enlightenment that is the truth.
We’re the gods of this planet and being imperfect fits us ideally.
And I’ve been searching for this guy who would set my soul on fire.
Who’d show me that there’s really a way to love someone so completely, it literally would break your heart if you’d lose them.
I’ve been told I have an unrealistic view of what love is.
And I know because of this belief, I am heartbroken at my own hand
Labeling yourself the property of another because being your own is not good enough.
Walking in circles because walking away means being defeated.
I know it seems petty, pointing fingers and saying things you did yourself before.
But building a bridge and watching it collapse.
There’s actually not a single moment in my whole life, where I just sat and looked dumbfounded at the world and had nothing on my brain.
Really, I can sit and stare blankly ahead, listening to conversations around me, and be in thought.
Someone could pose a question at me and I’d answer.
I never sit, without a thought